Unsuspecting Super Bored Grad Student sits in her office surfing the internet as she does everyday. Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor comes by with the latest piece of juicy departmental gossip that she really could care less about. She has no choice but to indulge him.

Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Dr. Chair of the Department is reassigning Dr. Next Door’s unauthorized lab bench to Dr. Needs a Bench.
Super Bored Grad Student [without taking her eyes off of her laptop screen]: Uh-huh.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Dr. Next Door isn’t going to be happy about it. I’m in trouble.
Super Bored Grad Student: Well, it wasn’t his bench to begin with.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Dr. Next Door doesn’t see it that way.
Super Bored Grad Student: Yeeep.

Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor then walks into his office and plops back into his chair to surf ESPN. Super Bored Grad Student resumes her endless surfing. She has reached the end of the internet at least 100 times already. All of a sudden, Dr. Next Door huffily opens his office door to step out and stands in the doorway of Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor’s office. Super Bored Grad Student knows that trouble is sure to ensue. But Super Bored Grad Student can’t escape without possibly also incurring the wrath of Dr. Next Door and Super Bored Grad Student definitely knows better. Super Bored Grad Student considers hiding under her desk as the fireworks begin.

Dr. Next Door: I needed that bench. Where am I supposed to store my stuff now?
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: There is never enough space.
Dr. Next Door: Well, you and Dr. Down the Hall have plenty of space. How come they didn’t take space from you or Dr. Down the Hall? All you do is look out for yourself and Dr. Down the Hall.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: I don’t have enough space either. My space is not all mine. The residents and fellows use that space too. And Dr. Needs a Bench has no space and he has grants that he hasn’t been able to work on because he has no space.
Dr. Next Door: I have grants too. I need that space. I have a lot of people coming in for the summer and I don’t have enough space.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Well, everybody needs space.
Dr. Next Door: There is so much wasted space. You have whole rooms to yourself with only one person in them.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: That is not true.
Dr. Next Door: Well, I would have liked to have been consulted. It was a unilateral decision.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: It wasn’t my decision. I’m just the messenger. You should take this up with Dr. Chair of the Department.
Dr. Next Door [mumbles under his breath as he retreats back into his office]: Everyone looks out for themselves and the junior faculty just get screwed.

Super Bored Grad Student breathes a sigh of relief and resumes her surfing. She is swiftly interrupted by Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor, who needs to assert his rightness in the whole thing to as many people as he possibly can.

Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: He went ballistic.
Super Bored Grad Student: Yep. He did.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: That was not the way to go about it.
Super Bored Grad Student: Nope. It wasn’t. Especially since that bench was not even assigned to him to begin with. He just took it.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: It’s the same with Dr. Also Needs a Bench. She knows that at any time, her bench can be recalled. And the nerve to say that I should give up some of my space.
Super Bored Grad Student: Yeeep. He can’t expect to get the same treatment as you since you are so much higher rank than him.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Yeah. He can complain when he has over blah-de-blah abstracts and blah-de-blah papers and bring in blah-de-blah million dollars in grants to the department.
Super Bored Grad Student: Yeeep.

Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor walks off to enjoy his moment in the spotlight as the victim. Super Bored Grad Student then pauses from her web surfing for a minute to reflect on how immature some highly educated adults can be. She then resumed her surfing for the rest of the day.

As the (Lab) World Turns. Watch as drama prevails over science. Tune in next time.

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» The 10 dirtiest jobs in science.  Hey, they forgot to include being your major professor’s bitch.  Okay, I guess that isn’t quite as literally dirty as those on the list, but it sure feels like it is. # 0

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