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Tag Archive for 'houseisms'

don’t ever change (season 4, episode 12)

Why does scary need pathetic?

The corollary to “people lie” is “people sin.”

If you prefer, I can give your wife my second-best diagnosis.

KUTNER: So Amber dropped off Wilson today.
HOUSE: Yes, the male always drives the female.

Well, I wrote it in black. I’m always serious when use black.

And I speak in Latin because I don’t try to hide what an ass I am.

He’s in for it now. She’s gonna hit him in the face with your testicles.

Oh my God. You’re sleeping with me.

Either explain which part of my analysis didn’t make sense or go do it.

…and pressure blood in direction wrong.

I need you to sleep with Wilson.

I’ve decided you can do worse than a female proxy for me.

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frozen (season 4, episode 11)

Ack. Cutthroat bitch is back. Yuck.

Slippery slope. Today, we withhold porn. Tomorrow, it’s clean bandages.

CAMERON: I am not giving you cable. You’re going to have to somehow survive with the network broadcasts alone.
HOUSE: I’ll be fine on Tuesdays. 

CATE: I was wondering when you might drop by. 
HOUSE: Think Jagger shows up for the sound check?

You do realize that only one of us is a real doctor?

She’s a great psychiatrist…one session and I’ve got shrinkage.

See all the good stuff that happens when you listen to me?

The more you interrupt, the longer my grandstanding is going to take.

And you’re worried the tumor might overhear and realize we’re onto it.

Too far away to hold her hand.

How about if I just get naked and you shut up?

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it’s a wonderful lie (season 4, episode 10)

Dr. Kutner, who told you that it’d be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritic season, celebrating a mythical figure?

I liked you better 15 seconds ago when you were afraid for your job.

THIRTEEN: She’s not a liar.
HOUSE: Okay, well this is going to be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology. 

Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?

Lies are like children. Hard work, but worth it because the future depends on them.

Wouldn’t you not talking make this a shorter conversation?

Now, either that cost more than 25 bucks or I’m seriously starting to doubt Steve Jobs’ business strategies.

Listing all the possible causes is only impressive if you can do it reverse alphabetically.

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games (season 4, episode 9)

I’ve died and gone to diagnostic heaven.

Dr. Cuddy.  The face that launched a thousand long faces.

Well, unlike your music, they elicit some emotional response.

Minus five for ingratitude. No “thank you, Dr. House.” No “here’s a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Dr. House.”

You were doing better before you had a good idea.

I’ve heard that not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.

That can’t possibly be as poignant as it sounded.

Is he seizing or dancing?

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you don’t want to know (season 4, episode 8)

Foreman! She’s not wearing any underwear! You used to be more fun.

Ladies and gentleman! I have nothing in my hands.  Nothing in my sleeve.  I do have something in my pants, but it’s not going to help with this particular trick.

Too much trouble. Can I pick my nose?

Magic is cool. Actual magic is oxymoronic.

If the wonder’s gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder.

If you’re gonna kiss his ass to protect your ass, at least wait until he has a good idea.

Are you acting stupid because you know you’re safe?

This is a little much for a first date.

I usually like to give the lethal blood to Foreman, but I’m the only one who’s type AB.

I finally have a case of lupus.

Let her greedy fingers into my cookie jar, which sadly is not as dirty as it sounds.

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ugly (season 4, episode 7)

See, I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.

You using force on me is intriguing.

CUTTHROAT BITCH: Why did you hire her?
HOUSE: Because she has way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering.

If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, the wrong profession…the wrong species.

He’s not a real doctor.  He’s a plastic surgeon.

How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?

Shiny, pretty, perky things are good and ugly, misshapen teenaged boys are repulsive.

Suddenly I don’t feel like I can trust Michael Moore movies.

I owe it to the world to make sure this evil never sees the light of day.

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whatever it takes (season 4, episode 6)

 Ewwww. Cutthroat bitch has an iPhone!!

CIA GUY: Dr. House?
HOUSE: No. Lazy ass called in sick again. We can give him the message.

Well, I assume you’re gonna drop trou at some point during the dance and I don’t why I should share.

If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved and they better be working their way through college.

Fifteen minutes for the lap dance, thirty minutes to scrub the guilt from my soul.  See you in forty-five.

Any chance he’s just overwhelmed with gratitude?

If you had any real evidence of foul play, you’d be torturing Bolivians instead of putting me into a state of anticipatory sexual arousal.

You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis.

PLASTIC SURGEON GUY: Uh, where have you been the last two days?
HOUSE: Overslept.

Yeah, I cured depression with tonic water once.  That’s it.  I think there was some gin in it too.

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mirror mirror (season 4, espisode 5)

Bleh, this whole reality show thing is getting really old.

CUDDY: I hired him.
HOUSE: Well, I fired him. To infinity.

Uh, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?

My God. Not everything is about you and your little job and your little world. This is about restoring order in the universe.

Bling account? Med account didn’t cover tattoo removal?

Get a raise? Because then you’re a whore. Or didn’t you? Because then you’re a stupid whore.

FOREMAN: The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I’m a doctor.
HOUSE: Mail order. I’ve seen the diploma. There was two Ns in university.

Keep him in the isolation room so he doesn’t pick up extreme bitch syndrome from one of the nurses.

The goal in life is not to eliminate misery, it’s to keep misery to the minimum.

Someone’s going to be miserable sometime–just accept it–that’s how I stay so happy.

That was just a courtesy flush.  I’m not actually done.

And I know when my Vicodin isn’t Vicodin.  Do you know when your birth control pills aren’t birth control pills?

Do  your own stupid biopsy.

People don’t learn, they don’t change.  But you did.  You’re a freak!

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