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Tag Archive for 'house-isms'

games (season 4, episode 9)

I’ve died and gone to diagnostic heaven.

Dr. Cuddy.  The face that launched a thousand long faces.

Well, unlike your music, they elicit some emotional response.

Minus five for ingratitude. No “thank you, Dr. House.” No “here’s a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Dr. House.”

You were doing better before you had a good idea.

I’ve heard that not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.

That can’t possibly be as poignant as it sounded.

Is he seizing or dancing?

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you don’t want to know (season 4, episode 8)

Foreman! She’s not wearing any underwear! You used to be more fun.

Ladies and gentleman! I have nothing in my hands.  Nothing in my sleeve.  I do have something in my pants, but it’s not going to help with this particular trick.

Too much trouble. Can I pick my nose?

Magic is cool. Actual magic is oxymoronic.

If the wonder’s gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder.

If you’re gonna kiss his ass to protect your ass, at least wait until he has a good idea.

Are you acting stupid because you know you’re safe?

This is a little much for a first date.

I usually like to give the lethal blood to Foreman, but I’m the only one who’s type AB.

I finally have a case of lupus.

Let her greedy fingers into my cookie jar, which sadly is not as dirty as it sounds.

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ugly (season 4, episode 7)

See, I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.

You using force on me is intriguing.

CUTTHROAT BITCH: Why did you hire her?
HOUSE: Because she has way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering.

If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, the wrong profession…the wrong species.

He’s not a real doctor.  He’s a plastic surgeon.

How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?

Shiny, pretty, perky things are good and ugly, misshapen teenaged boys are repulsive.

Suddenly I don’t feel like I can trust Michael Moore movies.

I owe it to the world to make sure this evil never sees the light of day.

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whatever it takes (season 4, episode 6)

 Ewwww. Cutthroat bitch has an iPhone!!

CIA GUY: Dr. House?
HOUSE: No. Lazy ass called in sick again. We can give him the message.

Well, I assume you’re gonna drop trou at some point during the dance and I don’t why I should share.

If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved and they better be working their way through college.

Fifteen minutes for the lap dance, thirty minutes to scrub the guilt from my soul.  See you in forty-five.

Any chance he’s just overwhelmed with gratitude?

If you had any real evidence of foul play, you’d be torturing Bolivians instead of putting me into a state of anticipatory sexual arousal.

You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis.

PLASTIC SURGEON GUY: Uh, where have you been the last two days?
HOUSE: Overslept.

Yeah, I cured depression with tonic water once.  That’s it.  I think there was some gin in it too.

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mirror mirror (season 4, espisode 5)

Bleh, this whole reality show thing is getting really old.

CUDDY: I hired him.
HOUSE: Well, I fired him. To infinity.

Uh, uh, just in case I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?

My God. Not everything is about you and your little job and your little world. This is about restoring order in the universe.

Bling account? Med account didn’t cover tattoo removal?

Get a raise? Because then you’re a whore. Or didn’t you? Because then you’re a stupid whore.

FOREMAN: The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I’m a doctor.
HOUSE: Mail order. I’ve seen the diploma. There was two Ns in university.

Keep him in the isolation room so he doesn’t pick up extreme bitch syndrome from one of the nurses.

The goal in life is not to eliminate misery, it’s to keep misery to the minimum.

Someone’s going to be miserable sometime–just accept it–that’s how I stay so happy.

That was just a courtesy flush.  I’m not actually done.

And I know when my Vicodin isn’t Vicodin.  Do you know when your birth control pills aren’t birth control pills?

Do  your own stupid biopsy.

People don’t learn, they don’t change.  But you did.  You’re a freak!

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guardian angels (season 4, episode 4)

You keep this up, you’re going to have to start wearing sexier clothes.

Start with amyloidosis and keep going until you reach zamyloidosis.

By you, of course, I’m only referring to the people who care enough about human life to put in a full day.

Tell him to call back on a land line–terrible reception here.

WILSON: You’re quite impressed with yourself right now, aren’t you?
HOUSE: Who wouldn’t be?

Now I would love to keep all of you, but not enough to do anything about it.

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97 seconds (season 4, episode 3)

Would you mind holding my metaphor for a second?

Good question, overly excited former foster kid.

Do your sex organs dangle, cut-throat bitch?

Sounds logical if you don’t think about it for more than three seconds.

I think I will miss you most of all, ridiculously old fraud.

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the right stuff (season 4, episode 2)

Got a problem with the naked female form?

It means either you thought this was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite or you thought he’d fail, making you a cut-throat little pixie.

Stop it!  This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here.   You’re both right in the sense that you’ve convinced me that you’re both wrong.

So you called me?  The guy with one good leg and zero leverage?

Clever…appeal to her deep concern for hospital property.  Let’s see how that works.

I approve of your shamelessness.

Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.

Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?

Assistant sounds marginally less demeaning.

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