i’m still where i was a year ago

And there’s nothing that makes that fact more painfully clear than my impending talk at this year’s MD/PhD retreat.  I got lucky last year because all I had to do was make a poster presentation.  Not so this year.  And rightfully so.  Since it’s been a year, it’s perfectly reasonable for the powers-that-be to assume that I have made some progress.  Oh how wrong they are.  And how ashamed I am.  The worst part is that my lack of progress isn’t even something I could control.  Yet I will be the one who is blamed for it.  No one will think to blame my ass of a major professor.  They will all see it as some sort of failure on my part.  And I suppose in a way, it is my fault.  Because I did not stand up to my major professor and demand that he stop making me do pointless shit and focus on my project instead.  But what would they say if I told them that I did try?  That I even admitted to them that I was getting nowhere so that they would help me.  And that they did nothing?  They’ll accuse me of not trying hard enough.  It must be this realization: that it is pointless for me to really prepare for my talk when I know I’ll be reamed for getting nowhere that is making me so incredibly lazy that I haven’t yet started working on it yet.  I’m screwed whether I’m prepared or not.  So why bother?

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2 Responses to “i’m still where i was a year ago”


  1. 1 femalecsgradstudent Feb 20th, 2007 at 7:29 am

    Do you know who Yosemite Sam is? When he was really angry, he’d do this rant of, “Rackin, Frackin, Rackin, Rack, Frackin…!” That’s kind of how I feel when reading this post.

    Those FRICKEN FRACKERS!

    Part of why I’m so angry is that this exact thing is happening to me right now. Part of why I’m so angry is that this shouldn’t have to happen to anyone else, and it’s happening to you.

    I have no good advice except to keep up the good fight.

  2. 2 mylifemypace Feb 20th, 2007 at 9:47 am

    Ah, yes, Yosemite Sam…I might as well be watching reruns of his cartoons while I’m languishing here. I’m sorry that the same thing is happening to you. And here I thought it was just me. But thanks for the support and I hope that we both finish before we lose our sanity!

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The patient is a 20-something-year-old MD/PhD student with a history of extensive schooling now presenting with frustration at her current lack of progress consistent with being stuck in a rut.
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