Hello, sick people and their loved ones.  In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Dr. Gregory House.  You can call me Greg.  I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.  This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy.  Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so, unfortunately, she’s much too busy to deal with you.  I am a BORED. Certified diagnostician, with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology.  I’m also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.  That is true, isn’t it?  But not to worry.  Because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin.  Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this.  This is Vicodin.  It’s mine.  You can’t have any.  And no, I do not have a pain management problem.  I have a pain problem.  But who knows?  Maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I’m too stoned to tell.  So, who wants me?

CAMERON: Men should grow up.
HOUSE: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves.

WILSON: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
HOUSE: Thank you.  It was either that or get my hair highlighted.  Smugness is easier to maintain.

No.  There is not a thin line between love and hate.  There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China, with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.

Occam’s Razor—the simplest explanation is almost always that somebody screwed up.

HOUSE: It was so perfect.  It was beautiful.
WILSON: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
HOUSE: And triteness kicks us in the nuts.
WILSON: So true.

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