Monthly Archive for October, 2006

fools for love (season 3, episode 5)

Show me a 20-year-old who’s not in love. You get married at 20, you’re going to be shocked with who you’re living with at 30.

HOUSE: Who’s he talking to?
CAMERON: What?
HOUSE: It’s got an ass. Technically, that makes it a “who.”

How many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in the literal way.

HOUSE: If he’s not hitting that, then why is she here?
CAMERON: Because I’m hitting that and it’s totally hot.

You want me to touch you? It’s your private place!

Try a lubricant or foreplay if you’re cheap.

Sorry, already met this month’s quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots.

Please stop. It’s hard to write through the haze of bitter tears.

TRITTER: Last nurse you made fun of, she probably slipped some crap into your coffee.
HOUSE: Yeah. I asked for decrappinated coffee.

There’s a reason that we don’t let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines: they’re idiots! Twenty-year-olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.

Good. Now go rub their lying, cheating privates with a cotton swab.

HOUSE: Any of your shorties ever been whities?
FOREMAN: I’m not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated by the way?
HOUSE: I don’t care about color as long as they can help me breed a superior race.

He got off easy—I almost gave him a colonoscopy.

CUDDY: Pay attention to me.
HOUSE: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

WILSON: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
HOUSE: Yes. That keeps me up at night. That and the lochness monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts…

Good point. Let’s biopsy something safer, like her shoes.

If they die now, they’ll never be able to grow old and tired of each other.

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grand rounds 3.6

Don’t forget to check out this week’s super spooky Grand Rounds at Doctor Hebert’s Medical Gumbo.

i guess he knew better after all

Was it my ignoring all of his attempts to use me as a prop to stroke his ego this morning?  Or the evil gleam in my eyes?  Whatever it was, my major professor suddenly wised up and relieved me of speech-making duties right before his big event.  Instead, I became official photographer, which was fine with me since I knew I could pawn the task off on my husband.  So I didn’t have to sell my soul after all.  And I get to play hookie tomorrow because he’s finally going to be out of the office.  And by hookie, I mean I get to stay in the quiet of my own home and study my ass off.  It’s pretty sad when I’m excited at the prospect of studying.  But such is the life of a grad student facing her impending quals.  Even my blog is becoming lame.  Apologies for that.  I really need to post before I study so that my brain will be nice and fresh.  Spending 8+ hours studying beforehand just isn’t the way to come up with witty and insightful posts since I’m quite brain dead afterwards.  I promise I’ll try to say something half-intelligent tomorrow.

if you don’t have anything nice to say…

…then don’t say anything at all. I live by those words. Or rather, a variation: if I don’t have anything nice to say, then I can’t and won’t lie and say nice things anyway. I won’t say bad things about you as long as you don’t put me in a position to. That’s why you’ll never hear me telling my sister-in-law, “Nice haircut” if I really think it makes her look fat. I prefer to say nothing instead of some insincere attempt at a lie. That just means that when I do say something nice, it just means that much more because I actually mean it.

Well, of course, my evil major professor has to go and turn my little way of doing things upside down. You see, he’s being honored for something or other tomorrow and a bunch of people are saying nice things about him. You would think that it’s his funeral given the fuss that’s being made over this whole thing. Since these people are all old professors, he wants a student to toot his horn. And since every other student of his was smart enough to run for the hills, I’m the only one around who can do the job. But doesn’t he know that I can’t stand him? Doesn’t the fact that I routinely ignore him and make snide remarks make it clear that I am definitely not the person for the task? Of course not, because in his own egocentric world, he thinks that I love him and that when I’m acting out, it’s because of “trouble at home” and never because of him. So he asks me to say something about him. I tell him no as nicely as I can while thinking all sorts of sarcastic things in my head. My excuse was that I’m no good at such things and I am definitely no good at speaking in front of a large group of people. Valid enough. But he continued to push me and even dared to use the Chair of the department as an excuse: “I can guarantee you that the Chair will ask you to say something.” Uh, right. He’ll ask me because my major professor lied to him and said that I would say something. Ugh, how I hate him. Not the best way to get someone to say something nice to about you, especially me.

So here I am, in the middle of my intense studying for my quals having to write a stupid little speech about the man that has single-handedly caused me to become a complete failure at this whole becoming a scientist thing. I have to say nice things about someone that I do not have a single nice thing to say about. I think I’m going to spontaneously combust if I actually have to go through with this—it’s just so completely against my very being. But what choice do I have? I am but a puppet.

I keep trying to think of what to say, but all I can think of is that episode of House (season 1, episode 6: role model) where he has to give a speech about how great Vogler’s new drug is to save his team and he just can’t. Wouldn’t it be funny if I did the same? I can see it now.

For those of you who don’t remember or don’t watch House, here’s what he says.
HOUSE: Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals’ extraordinary commitment to research excellence is exemplified by their new ACE inhibitor, a breakthrough medical approach that will protect millions from heart disease.
VOGLER: That’s not a speech.
HOUSE: I thought it was pithy. You got enough for a press release anyhow.
VOGLER: Foreman or Cameron.
HOUSE: A few things I forgot to mention. Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people and a man who has never lost a fight. You know how I know that the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, just more expensive. A lot more expensive. You see, that’s another example of Ed’s brilliance. Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its patent, he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit, patents it all over again, making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for everybody, right? Except for the patients, but who cares? They’re just so damn sick. God obviously never liked them anyway. All the healthy people in the room, let’s have a big round of applause for Ed Vogler.

And here’s what’s going to happen when I try to say something nice about my major professor tomorrow:
ME: My major professor is a great guy who has helped me and others a lot.
MAJOR PROFESSOR: And?
ME: That’s it.
MAJOR PROFESSOR: I’ve done more for you than that. You want to get your PhD or not?
ME: Okay, so I forgot to mention that he’s also an egotistical ass who purposely kisses the Chair’s ass so he can get what he wants. He doesn’t help students as much as he makes them his slaves and then takes all the credit for what they have done. Really, you know all those talks that he gives all over the place? Yeah, I made those Powerpoints, not him. You didn’t know that, did you? Of course not, because he never gives anyone any credit except for himself. Not only that but he then continually rubs in his students’ faces what he supposedly did for them, which was nothing really that the students didn’t do for themselves. And God forbid you ever disagree with him—I did and look where I am now, stuck in his lab with his pompous ass continually pestering me to continue working on the thesis project that he pulled out of his ass that I have already proven without a doubt does not work. He is also a man with no ethics considering the morally outrageous stunts he has pulled to get his friends’ kids into fellowships and even medical school. Isn’t he just great? Hooray for my major professor.

I would be so screwed, but at least I wouldn’t have to live with the fact that I betrayed my own principles. Ah, if only there were no consequences. I can dream, can’t I?

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my brain is full

I’ve been studying hardcore (or at least what I would call hardcore) for my quals for the last 11 days and I still feel like I know nothing.  It’s quite depressing.  It all boils down to the fact that I don’t really know how to study for this highly amorphous test.  I now have 85 days left until my quals and I don’t know if I’m making good progress or not.  I still don’t know how inhaled anesthetics work even though I already finished studying my Basics of Anesthesia book.  How am I supposed to remember everything 85 days from now when I can’t even remember things I learned only 7 days ago?  Gah.  I think I’m going crazy.

the socratic method (season 1, episode 6)

Hello! This guy’s a professional doctor. Plays golf and everything, I bet.

KID: You’re a doctor?
HOUSE: Own my own stethoscope.

HOUSE: On the other hand, we don’t really know anything about schizophrenia, so maybe it is connected.
WILSON: Well, schizophrenia explains one mystery – why you’re so fascinated by a woman with a bump in her leg. It’s like Picasso deciding to whitewash a fence.
HOUSE: Thanks. I’m more of a Leroy Neiman man. And it is only about the D.V.T. She’s 38 years old. She shouldn’t –
WILSON: Right, solve this one, and you’re on your way to Stockholm.
HOUSE: We don’t even know how to treat it. Come on. Fumigation of the vagina?
WILSON: A little louder. I don’t think everyone heard you.
HOUSE: Two thousand years ago, that’s how Galen treated schizophrenics. The Marcus Welby of ancient Greece.
WILSON: Oh, clearly you’re not interested.
HOUSE: Oh, I’m interested. I’m interested in how voices in the head could be caused by malposition of the uterus.
WILSON: There’s a better place for it?
HOUSE: Now, what do we got? We’ve got lobotomies, rubber rooms, electric shocks. My, Galen was so primitive.
WILSON: Where are you going?
HOUSE: Going to see the patient. That all-important human connection. Thought I’d give it a whirl.
WILSON: You won’t talk to patients because they lie, but give you a patient with no concept of reality –
HOUSE: If it wasn’t for Socrates, that raving, untreated schizophrenic, we wouldn’t have the Socratic method, the best way of teaching everything, apart from juggling chain saws. Without Isaac Newton we’d be floating on the ceiling…
WILSON: Dodging chain saws, no doubt.
HOUSE: And that guitar player in that English band. He was great. You think I’m interested because of the schizophrenia.
WILSON: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.
HOUSE: Galen was pretty sure about the fumigation thing. Pink Floyd.

HOUSE: Well, good news. The lab says it’s not strep, so we’re done.
WOMAN: Wait a second.
HOUSE: No, really not strep. The boys in the lab, sure, they’re hard drinkers, but they’re pros, you know. Plus, your kid actually has none of the symptoms for strep. I just figured it was quicker running the test than arguing with you. My point is, go!

Look, I have a cane and I know how to use it.

It turns out your best judgment is not good enough. Here’s an idea – next time, use mine.

Gee, I wish my idea was as cool and with-it as yours. What is yours, by the way? Do you have one?

Oh, god you’re upset about something. You’re gonna open up to me now, aren’t you?

HOUSE: Love that outfit. It says, “I’m professional, but I’m still a woman.” Actually, it sort of ells the second part.
CUDDY: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
HOUSE: Gotta go. Those running noses aren’t just gonna start walking on their own.

Well, normally, I’d put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the sun one more time. I really didn’t think it was gonna make it this year, but darn it if it wasn’t the little planet that could all over again.

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yum

The 10 dirtiest jobs in science.  Hey, they forgot to include being your major professor’s bitch.  Okay, I guess that isn’t quite as literally dirty as those on the list, but it sure feels like it is.

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curry for brain health

Yum!  Now that’s something I can live with: eating curry to stave off cognitive decline and Alzheimer’s disease.  Researchers in Singapore found that people (aged 60-93) who ate curry even only occasionally scored higher on the Mini Mental Status Exam (MMSE) than those who never ate curry.  The curry spice, turmeric, contains curcumin, which has potent antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties.  And the prevalence of Alzheimer’s disease in the elderly in India is fourfold less than that in the United States.

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