as the lab world turns (episode 4)

BACK STORY: During the summer, the department has a Super Special Undergrad Research Internship program for those worthy of it. There are two such interns in Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor’s lab this summer, both very undeserving of such an honor, but who both got it through Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor’s behind-the-scenes ever so unethical string pulling. Yes, two spots that should have gone to people with near perfect GPAs and much better interview skills went to these two sloths who think they own the place even though they are the lowest of the low on the totem pole. And when these sloths’ sense of entitlement collides with Super Bored Grad Student’s being able to go home at exactly 4:30 pm on the dot, fireworks are sure to ensue.

Ivy League Intern Dude (on phone with patient recruiter person and speaking rather contemptuously): No. Everyone leaves here at four. There will be no one here to help me if I have a patient.
SIDE NOTE: Ivy League Intern Dude routinely doesn’t come in until 9 am every morning and leaves at 3 pm every afternoon. Everyone else comes in at 8:30 am and leaves at 4:30 pm.
Ivy League Intern Dude (to Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor while still on phone): Hey, Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor. Will anyone be here after five to help with a patient?
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: I’ll be here. I live here. Oh. Super Bored Grad Student can stay and help you.
Ivy League Intern Dude (to patient recruiter person on phone): Yeah, okay. I’ll be able to do it.

Super Bored Grad Student (of course, having overheard everything from her office) bristles at the thought of being at the mercy of a lowly undergrad. No way is she going to let this happen. First, they steal Fellow Lab Scut Monkey’s computer and lab space and act as if it’s theirs. Then they demand that unique log-ins be created for them to log onto said computer because they can’t log on otherwise. Then they use said log-ins to surf the internet all day instead of working. And they think Super Bored Grad Student is going to do their work for them?! That’ll be the day! Super Bored Grad Student would have been content to let it be if they had not dragged her into it. But now that they have, they’re so done for.

Super Bored Grad Student asks to speak with Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor in private and they go into his office and shut the door.

Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: So what do you want to talk about?
Super Bored Grad Student: I want to talk to you about Ivy League Intern Dude.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Okay.
Super Bored Grad Student: Well, I don’t think that he’s pulling his weight here. It doesn’t take more than one person to study the patient. He should be able to do it on his own.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: I know. I’ve been noticing that he just doesn’t have a mind for science. I mean, look at his GPA. But what can I do? I had to take him as a favor to his father.
Super Bored Grad Student: Well, I don’t think it’s fair to us or the other intern. I will not stay late to help him with something that he should know how to do. It’s not my job. And I have an appointment today. He needs to stand on his own two feet. That’s what the whole internship is about. That’s why they’re assigned their own projects. It means they need to complete them on their own.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: He doesn’t have a mind for science. I don’t think he can do it on his own.
Super Bored Grad Student: I think he can. He just won’t because we’re babying him too much.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Maybe. I’ll talk to him. But I really think that he’s not smart enough. He fell asleep during two of my talks!
Super Bored Grad Student: Well, I just think that it’s really unfair to everyone else. That’s why I brought it up.
Dr. Grumpy Old Major Professor: Yeah. And to think he wants to go to med school. It would be a disgrace to the profession if he actually gets in.
Super Grad Student (thinks to self): WHOA. Did he really just say that? Funny, that’s what I was thinking…

And having accomplished her mission, Super Bored Grad Student strides triumphantly back into her office and resumes her most pressing task of doing nothing for the rest of the day.

Tune in next time for more lab drama.

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